


Across the Sea

by N7Pharaohess



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Kaidan being a sweetheart, Past Relationship(s), Shenko - Freeform, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-11 07:01:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13518984
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/N7Pharaohess/pseuds/N7Pharaohess
Summary: In the immediate aftermath of Cerberus' attack on the Citadel, Shepard loses someone very close to her. Back on board the Normandy, Kaidan comforts Shepard, and listens as she tells him about Thane, what he meant to her, and how one drell assassin guided her along a path of healing and companionship after coming back from the dead.





	Across the Sea

Shepard's mind was overcome with the emotion of the day. Now that everything seemed to be over (for the next few minutes, at least) and the Cerberus takeover of the Citadel had been foiled, there was a moment of quiet for the overwhelming sensations of grief, relief and exhaustion to settle over her. Getting back to the  _Normandy_ had been solace in itself, here she was home and to make it even better Kaidan was back on board. Yet as much as knowing she would see Kaidan's smile on a daily basis and have him fight beside her again made her happy, she could feel the growing weight of loss settle over her. She hadn't lost Kaidan, though for a brief moment it had been close. No, someone else had paid today and she was only just letting herself begin to really feel it. 

"Shepard," Garrus' voice greeted her as she stepped out the elevator onto the crew deck. The Turian had been contemplating the memorial wall, and she moved to stand beside him. Her eyes briefly ran over the lists of names, as she realised with a jolt she'd have to get a new one made. 

"Hell of a day," Garrus said quietly. "Udina loses his mind, the Citadel almost falls...and you almost had to put down a friend."

His words brought to her mind the sharp, frightening image of Kaidan with his pistol pointed at her. For a briefest second, she had thought he wouldn't relent and he would shoot her, or worse, she would have to shoot  _him_ to stop Udina. She was lucky he had put his faith in her and stood down, allowing the coup attempt to end with a minimum of bloodshed. She'd never have been able to forgive herself if things had gone differently. "Yeah, got a little tense there."

"Sure did." Garrus regarded Shepard out the corner of his eye. "If it had come down to it, could you have pulled the trigger?"

"No," she responded immediately. She took a deep breath, getting her thoughts in order and willing her voice not to shake. "I don't see how. We start killing our friends, and war turns into murder." _We start killing those we care for, and we become the monsters._

"But it doesn't always give us an easy way out," Garrus muttered. "At least Kaidan didn't have to join Ash."

 _No, he joined us, where he's meant to be_ , Shepard thought as she looked at Ash's nameplate on the wall. That decision, the situation on Virmire, still haunted her. Ash's final yells, cut off suddenly...and although it kept Kaidan at her side, she wished with all her heart Ash wasn't the one who had had to pay that price with her own blood. "Let's hope she's looking out for us." _Gazing down, calling us idiots, with a drell assassin at her side_. "This was her fight too." 

Just thinking of Thane made her breath catch and eyes start to itch. Unwilling to make a complete fool of herself even in front of her best friend and longing for some modicum of privacy, Shepard turned and stepped slowly towards life support control.  

"Shepard..."Garrus's gentle tone made her stop. She turned her head towards him, over her shoulder to let him know she was listening. "I'm sorry about Thane."

Feeling the sting of tears in her eyes become more pronounced, Shepard moved away slowly, now not able to keep the emotion from her voice. "I am too." Garrus had seen her fight, seen her break down and watched her drink until all her anger had gone. She didn't feel the need to always be 'The Commander' in front of him, and this was a time she was appreciative of that, but she also knew he wasn't the best with dealing with such raw displays of human emotion. She just wanted to go to the life support control room and sit for a while to let herself feel, before she had to be Commander Shepard again. 

As she disappeared into the room, Garrus looked up to the sound of the starboard observation door opening and found himself facing toward Kaidan. The newly re-recruited Major was watching after Shepard, concern easily readable in his features. He hadn't meant to eavesdrop on her conversation with Garrus, but had found himself unable to tear himself away when he had first heard Shepard's name in the corridor. He had heard the pain in her voice as she spoke about the events of the day, and couldn't help but feel a pull at his heart when she had so quickly and definitively answered Garrus' question. Even after everything they had been through she was still protecting him, even from herself. 

Kaidan looked over to Garrus, who was regarding him neutrally. "Is she okay?"

Garrus shrugged. "Can't say for sure, but I don't think so right now. She will be, though, she's Shepard."

"Yeah," Kaidan muttered in a noncommittal way before he paused, not sure if he was about to cross a line. "Who's Thane?" He frowned, considering the tone and context of the earlier conversation before correcting himself. "Who  _was_ Thane?"

"The drell that saved the Salarian councilor from that assassin. He served with us during the collector mission. He died a few hours ago from his injuries." Garrus' mandibles clicked in what was the turian approximation of a frown. "Shepard said he was at Huerta receiving treatment for his terminal illness under a different name before the coup. When the trouble started, he came to help."

 _A different name?_ The image of Tannor Nuara came immediately to Kaidan's mind. The drell had been soft-spoken and wise, and Kaidan had enjoyed his company the few times they had crossed paths during treatment. Small galaxy – that this one drell, the first he'd met properly, had served with Shepard and been at the very same hospital as him. "I think knew him when I was a patient there. I wonder if he knew who I was?"

"He did," said Garrus with certainty, leaning against the wall of the corridor. "Said he'd look out for you in case any of Shepard's enemies came calling." His blue eyes bore into Kaidan. "Shepard told him about you, while we were on the mission. He saw your name and put two and two together."

Kaidan's gaze dropped in embarrassment as he rubbed the back of his neck. "He probably didn't think too highly of me, then."

"Actually, he called you honorable." Garrus' tone was completely even, and it took Kaidan a moment to realize that Garrus wasn't mocking him, simply repeating what had been said. "You have your moments, Kaidan, but I think that was a fair assessment."

Garrus' face was unreadable when Kaidan glanced up at him. He'd thought Garrus would probably be wary of him if not outright hostile, being Shepard's best friend and all, and also having been present on Horizon and witnessing the shit-show Kaidan had caused when he confronted with Shepard for the first time after her death. Neither he nor Shepard had come out of that argument looking particularly good, and though they had agreed to put it behind them he was sure that at the time Shepard had channelled her anger and hurt into something her then-crew had been witness to. Strangely, though, the turian didn't seem to hold it against him. 

The Turian sighed deeply. "Kaidan, I don't know what you and Shepard have talked about recently or where you stand with one another. I won't lie to you, as I at least still consider you a friend and valued member of this crew. She needed you when you weren't here, and now you are, be there for her as a friend.  I know what you meant to one another at one time," Garrus' mandibles clicked in amusement as Kaidan looked at the ceiling somewhat sheepishly, "and right now all I can say is that she needs you now. She won't say it, but Thane's death has hit her hard."

Kaidan picked up on the subtext with a sinking feeling. "Garrus...who was Thane to Shepard?"

The turian sighed, thinking. After a moment he shrugged. "Shepard can answer that far better than me." He pushed himself away from the wall and indicated down the corridor. "She's in life support. It was Thane's quarters." He placed a tridactyl hand on Kaidan's shoulder. "It's good to have you home, Kaidan." With a final nod at the man, Garrus walked past him and into the mess, disappearing from view. 

Kaidan watched him go, before moving along the corridor quietly to the door of the life support control suite. He wondered, vaguely, why this might have been Thane's quarters instead of something more comfortable, but that wasn't important. What was important was Shepard, who was dealing with the death of a friend ( _sounded like more than a friend,_  Kaidan's brain unhelpfully supplied), was in there alone and he'd be damned if he didn't at least check on her. The fact that Garrus thought he should only steeled Kaidan's resolve as he gently palmed open the door. 

He couldn't see Shepard from the doorway, so made his way slowly into the sparse room. "Shepard?" She didn't reply, but as he rounded the corner of the room he saw her sitting on the small emergency cot that was kept there. Shepard was sitting with her hands in her lap, completely still, staring at the table in front of her. Her face was haunted, her eyes blank but dry. She didn't make any acknowledgement of his presence as he sat down beside her, reaching tentatively to take one of her hands in his own. She didn't pull away from his touch, but nor did she react.

He took a quiet breath. "Shepard, I'm so sorry about Thane."

There was a long moment of silence, and Kaidan could see that Shepard's blank facade was cracking. Her eyes filled with tears, and she began to cry, closing her eyes and causing the tears to run across her cheeks. Kaidan squeezed her hand as she bowed her head, shoulders shaking. It hurt to see Shepard so broken by this. It had been an intense day for them all, but to lose someone she was evidently close to... Kaidan simply put his free arm around her and let her cry, knowing that she would talk when she was ready. He didn't want to pander to her with empty words or platitudes – he knew her strong, Commander-esque mask would be back in place as soon as it could be, as human or not she was a figurehead and it didn't allow for much vulnerability. Evidently their shared past was still enough to allow her to let down the mask with him, for which he was grateful. If his own experiences of grief held as true for Shepard as they did for him, she would need to talk this out rather than bottle it up. 

After some time – Kaidan didn't know how long they sat together while she openly wept – Shepard's quiet sobs faded and he could feel her taking deep, measured breaths, calming herself. Her hand squeezed his gently, and Kaidan automatically entwined their fingers together, not even realising he had done so until after the gesture had been performed. It was a familiar motion, from when they had been involved a few years ago.  _Only years to you,_ his mind provided unbidden.  

"Tell me about him, Kira. I know you were close." 

She nodded, wiping her eyes with the back of her free hand. "Yeah, we were." She paused as she swallowed the lump in her throat, not having missed the barest hint of Kaidan's hand unintentionally tightening on her shoulder. "You mentioned in Huerta that you'd heard rumours about me and some assassin? That was Thane. But it's not what you think." Shepard sighed, trying desperately to make her mind form the words to properly explain. "We were what each other needed at the time. He was someone who would support me in those moments when everything felt like it was falling apart. I could be vulnerable around him. I didn't know if I'd come back – we really did call it a suicide mission – and having that comfort was something I needed."

There was a pause as Kaidan watched her hand pick listlessly at the edge of her jacket. "We loved each other, but were never  _in love_ with one another if that makes sense." She looked up at him with a small smile, eyes still wet. "I was a bit hung up on someone else." She dropped her gaze from his, seemingly embarrassed. _I still am._

Kaidan smiled a bit at her comment, but he let it slide. Right now wasn't the time to talk about that. They would have time in the future – be it hours from now or days – to talk about  _them_ and what, if anything, they wanted. This time was for Shepard to talk about Thane, for her to let it all out and for Kaidan to simply listen. He knew that, and was content with nothing more. 

Shepard looked out across the small room, blinking rapidly to control her tears. "Thane was a close friend and almost a lover, but more than that...he was my confidant, I guess." She paused, a small smile tugging at her lips. "I've never really thought about a  _definition_ for him. He was just Thane."

Kaidan silently squeezed her hand and waited for her to continue. He hadn't missed the 'almost' of her statement, which made him consider that maybe the rumours he'd heard had just been overblown scuttlebutt. 

"When he came on board, he seemed quiet, almost aloof. He didn't socialise all that much, but I found he was enjoyable company all the same. If he appeared in the lounge when some of us were having a post-mission drink, he would sit and observe rather than joining in on the conversation. When he did speak, it was either surprisingly dry humour or an astute observation." Shepard trailed off for a moment, lost in memory. "I spoke with him often; when I found out he would pray for all his victims he piqued my curiosity. He was always willing to tell me about his culture, and eventually we'd speak about his family and beliefs. He began to ask questions back, about my previous missions, about my own family and past. His being someone I could really talk to drew us closer, and then we simply became closer still. " She frowned to herself, and glanced at Kaidan. "We never slept with one another. We did fool around a little, but there was a line that we just...never crossed." The admission that her and Thane had been somewhat physical with one another didn't surprise him considering the circumstances. He knew that his own actions had majorly contributed to Shepard turning to another, and he couldn't blame her for that no matter how much the thought gnawed away at him. 

"Don't get me wrong, I had Tali and Garrus, and Liara was just an email away. I was becoming good friends with the new people I was meeting too, but I didn't have anyone I could really talk to about what was going on up here,"  Shepard tapped her temple. "Garrus was excellent at helping me work out my anger by taking me shooting and getting me drunkenly ranting, and Tali would gossip with me. They watched my back in the viper's nest, but I didn't feel like I could open up to them on a really personal level without feeling like I'd dumped my emotional baggage all over them. They would both ask how I was doing, and I'd talk with them, but not to the extent I needed to work through everything."

Kaidan sighed deeply. "And I wasn't exactly...around." The guilt over his behavior on Horizon and his reaction to the whole situation still gnawed at him, even though they had agreed to move past it. "I should have been there." He felt Shepard's fingers press against his in a comforting gesture and found she was looking at him, her gaze soft.  

"You weren't then, but you are now. That's what matters." She glanced around the empty room again. "One night-cycle, Thane and I had been talking and he told me that I was disconnected, and he wanted to help me."

Kaidan's brow furrowed. "Disconnected?"

Kira nodded, trying to recall Thane's words. "He said the body and soul were two parts of a whole, which makes up a whole person. When one is damaged – the body is injured, or the soul is broken – then the two pieces no longer fit together, and the person is no longer whole."

"They're disconnected," Kaidan supplied, nodding. He believed in the concept of a soul, in a spiritual non-religious-connotation sort of way, and could see how the drell's philosophy made sense. Thane had seen Shepard wasn't herself, that she was hurting and lost. "So Thane saw this in you, and helped you?"

Sheppard shrugged, careful not to dislodge Kaidan's arm from her shoulders. "Yeah. We talked, a lot. He also taught me to meditate." She ran a hand through her scarlet hair. "He became someone I could really talk to about everything that was trying to drag me down in moments of quiet. He helped me work through a lot of things I'd pushed to the back of my mind. I'd woken up surrounded by strangers in a complex under attack, in the centre of an organisation I'd only seen as an enemy. There wasn't any time to stop and think, so all the unanswered questions were pushed aside in favour of survival." Kira stared aimlessly at the empty table before them, not really seeing  it. "After the Collector mission began, pushing everything aside and only focussing on the mission was all I could do not to fall apart. I'd lost two years of my life and along with that I'd lost my crew, friends, place in the Alliance, and you." Her voice caught for a moment, the memories still raw. Kaidan felt his own heart twist at her obvious anguish.

"It was too much for me to get my head around. I felt alone, trapped, and blocked at every turn. Even though I knew Anderson, Hackett and the Council supported me behind the scenes, and that I had Chakwas and Joker with me on board, everything felt so  _wrong_. They'd tried to re-create the SR1, but it was all so familiar yet so... _wrong_. It didn't fit right.  _I_  didn't fit right anymore. Even Garrus and Tali joining me didn't help that feeling entirely go away."

Shepard lapsed into thoughtful silence, her breathing deep and controlled. Kaidan became aware that he was staring at her as she stared ahead, lost in thought. For the first time, he was finally beginning to truly understand what things must have been like from Shepard's point of view. It wasn't that he hadn't devoted time of his own to understanding her perspective, there were just so many small but painful details he hadn't considered. To hear her share this with him and let her heart pour out in grief made him all the more amazed by her. To not only go through a harrowing "suicide mission" of an assignment, but to do so while trying desperately not to fall apart mentally and emotionally? It was nothing short of a miracle. Once again he felt guilt flare inside him, guilt for not being beside her during the time that she had, evidently, needed him most. 

"I was out of place. Everything I'd had was gone, my place in the galaxy with it. I knew who I was before, and been happy with my service and how my life was progressing. It wasn't exactly glamorous, and sure it was downright dangerous, but it felt  _right_ to me. Waking up and realizing that was gone was difficult to comprehend for a while. I'd become some kind of imposter, desperate to reclaim what was now the past. It became easier not to think about it, not to care, you know?" Her voice took on a bitter tone. "Just to throw myself into dangerous assignments, not caring if I'd come back as long as the mission was done."

Kaidan's arm tightened around her shoulders again. This he'd had no idea about. It was hard to imagine that Kira, the woman he still cared about more than anything else in the galaxy and who had always had such wonderful confidence, had come so low as to be careless with her own life. "Kira..."

"It's okay, you don't need to take that tone with me," she said abruptly, cutting him off. "I don't think like that anymore. I never went out intending to not come back, it was just no longer a priority. I did some pretty stupid things to get my mission done, paid for it once or twice. But actually..." She bit her lip and glanced over to him, holding his gaze for a long moment. "It was your letter. About Horizon. It made me realise that I  _had_ to survive, because I owed you an explanation." Her eyes dropped, sadness and guilt twisting across her features. "You deserved that much."

"I didn't deserve anything, not after the stupid shit I said," Kaidan replied sullenly. "And you didn't deserve anything I said to you. I'm so sorry, Kira."

Her lips flickered in a tiny smile. "Enough about that. We said we were good, remember? We  _are_  good about that."

"Yeah, yeah we did. And yeah, we  _are_." Kaidan frowned at the thought of having made  _her_ reassure  _him_. That was not the point right now.  Hearing how she'd put back together her fragmented psyche with Thane's help was what they'd been talking about. "How else did he help you?"

"Well, Thane also helped me come to terms with the fact that _I had died_. And  _then_ been brought back using insane medical technology by a terrorist organisation run by a madman. But...I had actually  _died_." She pulled a face, and when she spoke again her voice was a whisper. "I can still remember it. Being spaced. The knowledge that this was it, the panic of hearing my suit breached...the feeling of floating, unsupported and dying."

Kaidan's mouth went dry at her description. He could still her hear panicked breathing sometimes, in the deep hours of the night when it was suddenly so much more than just a memory. Adding to that the idea of having to reconcile with her resurrection...not for the first time, Kaidan thanked whoever was listening that Thane had been here for Shepard to help her through. 

"When I came back, I could hardly sleep, and for a while I'd panic if I saw the open expanse of space. I used to enjoy looking at the stars, but now they hold very different associations. Seeing them, open and limitless, just brought back the same feeling of uncontrolled weightlessness and hearing my life end. The observation room was not my friend – nor was the skylight above my bed." She nodded to herself, answering his unasked question. "I'm okay with it now, or at least much better, and a lot of that was down to Thane. He had some very...spiritual views on death. Even though many would call him ruthless, his assassinations were always quick and clean with a minimum of suffering. He prayed for those he killed, and for himself after the fact. He'd help me meditate in the observation lounge until I could look out at the stars and feel fear, but control it and let it go. That took... a long time." She looked at him, her eyes seeming tired. "Now the stars are just as beautiful as they always were, and most days I enjoy looking at them, but I still have the odd day where I can't bring myself to look for fear I'll fall."

He squeezed her hand. "I won't let you fall. None of us will."

“I know,” she said, returning the pressure. “I know all of you are here with me, but sometimes the abyss still stares back, y’know?”

She sighed, raising herself from the bed and stretching out her shoulders. As she stretched, she began to pace, and Kaidan could see her thoughts picking up speed. As enlightening as this was to him, to help him truly understand what she’d been through, it was becoming clear that talking about all of this was also helping Shepard. It was like a dam had been breached, and she was using it as a way to work through her grief…or maybe these were things she’d wanted to tell him. 

"For a long time, in the privacy of my own quarters or in the silence of a night cycle, I'd question my own existence.” She looked back at Kaidan, but didn’t meet his gaze. “Was I really considered real, rather than a copy? Was I still human with all my cybernetics, or did I now tread a fine line between synthetic and organic? Was there something in me – some  _conditioning_  – that the Illusive Man could just...switch on when he wanted it?” She bit her lip, uncertain. “I know similar thoughts must have crossed your mind. I confessed it to Thane one evening. In return, he told me that his own training had created similar questions; if he was a being or a tool. He told me there was one way for me to know if I was a resource or someone they were taking time and energy to manipulate  _because they couldn't_  control me." She took a breath and forced herself to meet Kaidan's inquisitive eyes. "Push authority. If they had a way to control me, I had to find out.”

Kaidan’s brow furrowed he considered the weight of her words. “You mean you purposefully tried to force them into it?”

Shepard self-consciously rubbed the back of her neck with her hand – his trick, he noted. "Yeah. I pushed the limits. I disagreed with the Illusive Man and was spiteful, I sent information to the Alliance, I worked against Cerberus' intentions when I could without compromising innocent life. I turned the loyalty of their own crew and employees against them. I made it no secret that I hated everything Cerberus represented, and that I wasn't working for them, but they were working with me. They needed me and I was using them. And then,” She said with a grin, “I destroyed the Collector Base. The Illusive Man wanted it, but it was such a horrific thought to keep it. I thought for sure he’d lose it on me. And yet…he didn’t. It was then that I was sure I was me. Me 2.0, sure, but I wasn’t a tool for them. The Illusive Man lost his prize – and there was nothing he could do to me in return."

She looked up, her eyes bright as she relieved the memory. "It was like the last piece of myself I'd been missing. The relief that my agency  _was_ wholly my own. And that with the mission over, I was free to do as I wished and not have to use Cerberus' resources any longer. Handing the SR2 over to the Alliance felt surprisingly liberating, even if I did get arrested thanks to that fucked up situation in the Bahak system." She laughed a little, the soft sound warming Kaidan's heart amidst the serious conversation. "But even arrested, I was Alliance again. I was home."

Kaidan could have laughed at her enjoyment of all the strife she'd put Cerberus through. Her own little crusade, to both reaffirm her morals and as a test to herself. She'd been the one sending the data – he'd heard in passing they'd received some intel packages – and she'd worked beside the devil and kept her own integrity intact. And at the first opportunity, she had come back to the Alliance – and to him. If nothing else, that should have spoken volumes more to him than it had at the time. 

Leaning against the table, she held his gaze before dropping her eyes with an uncomfortable sigh. 

"I told him about you, Kaidan. We'd been talking about his wife, who died, and he asked me if I had anyone to share my life with. I hadn't talked to anyone about you, not even Garrus and he saw Horizon. Thane let me talk through a lot of the hurt and confusion I still held, and...my anger after what happened on Horizon." She sighed, arms folded across her stomach defensively. "I was so  _angry_ you couldn't see things from my point of view, Kaidan, but Thane helped me to see things from  _your_ perspective instead. I wrote you a reply to that email, but I don't think the Cerberus filters let it through." She frowned, idly wondering if it was still around somewhere. She doubted it, the SR2's communications had been thoroughly scrubbed by the Alliance during the retrofit. "It essentially said that I understood your reaction and that I wanted to talk property when I was back in Alliance space if you'd agree to it. Water under the bridge now, I guess?" Her eyes met his again, this time slightly unsure.

"Of course it is, Kira," Kaidan replied, reaching out for her hand. With a sad smile she let him lead her back to sitting beside him on the cot. 

"So there I was, falling apart at the edges, swinging from numb to over-emotional and dealing with things far bigger than myself. Trying to save human colonies during an existential crisis. Thane just... _knew_. I started seeking him out more and more to make sense of things and find some peace. Some days we'd talk, sometimes we'd meditate, other times I’d sit quietly and work on a datapad. He'd always wait for me to begin the conversation and would never push me to talk about what I wasn't ready to face yet." Her eyes filled with tears, and she bowed her head so Kaidan wouldn't see. “Little by little we discussed everything that had been bothering me. He never laughed at me, or judged my feelings. He would just…help. Find new ways for me to look at things, or let me vent, or let me spill out all my doubts. And then, he’d guide me to the conclusions I needed to find. And he did it like it was nothing at all out of the ordinary.”

She lapsed into silence, and Kaidan was happy to let the moment stretch. He knew there was little he could do but stay by her side and be a friendly shoulder, and even though he felt powerless to fix the situation he was sure coming in had been the right idea. Shepard didn’t need to go through this alone, especially not with the weight of the war on her shoulders. And now he was back, he promised himself firmly, she’d never go through anything else alone. 

Beside him, Shepard sighed deeply and the sound bought his focus back to her. "He prayed for me as he died, Kaidan. I've never been religious but that…that was something special."

"He prayed  _for_ you?" Genuinely curious and somewhat amazed, Kaidan hoped he hadn't sounded impertinent. It genuinely sounded like something that had touched her and he wanted to know more. 

"Asked forgiveness for me and the lives I have taken, so that I might be guided across the sea by Kalahira. The drell Goddess of Oceans and the Afterlife," she added after a moment. "They believe the ocean is connected to the afterlife, as to live there you have to...how did Thane put it?  _Accept a new way to live_. And death is the same, it’s a new way to exist." She sighed, sounding close to tears again. Her voice was thick when she spoke again. "He's across the sea now." 

Kaidan stayed silent, not wanting to interrupt if she was going to cry again. Seeing Shepard display such raw emotion for a past crewmate and friend, almost-lover, was another reminder to Kaidan of how much she cared about them all. Shepard had never had crewmates, she’d had family. Ash’s death had torn her apart three years ago, and they’d been friends. Thane had been so much more to her and it was clear that this wound would never completely go away. All he could do was be here for her. 

After a few shaky breaths, she straightened. "In the end, I guess you could say Thane helped put me back together - Cerberus may have resurrected me physically, but emotionally and spiritually they did  _sweet fuck all_. They thought me a tool, who would just do as she was told. Thane helped me guide me back to myself and rediscover who I was. He helped me take control over my own life again."

She leaned in to him, resting her head against his collarbone. It was the closest they had been for a long time, and Kaidan couldn't help but relax into her as she murmured against him. "I loved him. I wasn't  _in love_  with him, but he was important and such a massive part of getting me to where I am now that I can't help but hold him in my heart. In a way, he saved me.”

Kaidan nodded against her. Over the course of the past few hours, he'd become eternally grateful to the soft-spoken drell who had helped Shepard pick up the pieces. Maker knew what she might have been like without that care and support in such a unique way, and because of that, Kaidan found he couldn't be jealous of whatever had passed between them. Thane had bought Shepard, his Kira, back from losing herself completely, and for that he could only be grateful beyond words. 

"How are you feeling?" Kaidan asked, when he thought a good amount of time had passed for the question not to seem impolite.

Shepard nodded slowly. "Better. I know I should be used to losing people by now, but it tears my heart in two every time." Her bright eyes, reddened by crying and emotion, looked up at him in gratitude. "Thanks, Kaidan."

He pulled her up standing, and after the barest hint of hesitation, wrapped his arms around her. She pressed her head against him as he held her tightly. Kaidan felt her shudder slightly and rested his head atop hers, holding her until the shaking breaths subsided again. He knew, if he could say now that he really knew her at all, that she would be okay. Garrus had been right, she was Commander Shepard, and she had to be okay for the sake of others. But at least he’d been able to provide her some small measure of comfort and support, allowing her to express herself rather than feel alone in her grief. He still cared about her, so much, and he would do whatever he could to make her path easier now he was back at her side, where he belonged. 

"Anytime, Shepard. Anytime.”


End file.
